Hi Peaches!

I agree with notme, just the fact that you are asking these questions is huge.

What is it you want from the conflict?
You said 'to feel the relationship is alive'.
That want to feel alive and connected to people is one of our core needs. Maybe what you see as 'self-destructive' is actually you just trying to get what you need with the tools you have available? Maybe it isn't something to fight?

If it isn't something to fight, it becomes much easier to deal with. Love that part of yourself, because it is working very hard - it just needs to learn some new ways of expressing itself.

I would definitely talk with T about this and explore any fears you have over not having conflict. Often times once those fears can be explored, the behavior will slowly change itself.

Just having this community can also be a great help...the folks here are wonderful. Welcome and thanks for posting!