I have read many of the previous posts on PsychCentral and these have helped enormously over the last few months. So thanks to all of you for your contributions and allowing me to feel less isolated.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety since childhood (I'm now 32). I'm currently a year into a bout of severe depression and have had 7 months or so away from work. I currently take 225mg Venlafaxine and 2mg Risperidone. My belief is that these are making the situation worse, not better.

I have learned to struggle through my defective thinking and function to a reasonably high level at home and at work by burying things and never expressing them. I alternate extremely between believing I am under-achieving or over-achieving. I live life in the shadow of the hidden truth, which I suspect is widely available amongst the collusive masses, that I am a fraud.

I believe that mankind is underachieving on a massive scale, and that the existence of a collection of individuals who grace the planet briefly stops any real development and resolution for the human race. I believe that I am being, rightly, punished for my failings and that this is a test of my strength and resolve, and that my failure in this test is right and proper.

Trying to look at the DSM and apply it myself I find the following -

Abandonment

I am not frantic in this, but I carefully keep everyone happy in order not to be judged negatively

Interpersonal relationships

Are stable, but my opinions on my worth and the other party's worth vary greatly. For example a month ago I was certain that I must leave my wife and that she was mistreating me. I currently think she is the most wonderful thing on the planet, and curse myself for putting her through such misery.

I am very secretive to the point that neither I nor my wife really know me. I am shy, but those relationships I cultivate are not strained - they are just not as warm, nor free-flowing as perhaps a normal relationship should be. I hide things and do not give away my feelings - often because I have no idea what I do feel. I am often described as being 'difficult to read'.

Identity disturbance

I vary from thinking I am undiscovered genius to thinking I am the worthless detritus of the human race. And this can be within five minutes. I shape my personality to the needs of others.

Impulsivity

I binge eat, I spend more money than I have on trivial items, I used to drink a lot to try and escape my problems, my driving varies from careful to absolutely bloody stupid.

Suicidal and self-harming behaviour

I have a history of self-harming and this has got considerably worse over the past year. I frequently, and obsessively, think about suicide, and this has led to a couple of frightening incidents. However, I have managed to stay out of hospital, and instead been under home treatment intermittently.

Affective instability

My default mood is one of discomfort. My moods vary very quickly and last between minutes and hours. Depression, anxiety, panic, irritability, anger, confusion, despair, complete absence of any feeling.

Feelings of emptiness

I absolutely feel devoid of meaning. My distractions seem trivial and self-serving.

Anger

I feel very angry a lot of the time. Often at myself for feeling angry with someone else for no reason. But I do not have outbursts.

Paranoid ideation and dissociative experiences

I frequently feel that I am not here, or alternatively, that I am here but the world is not real. I work under the assumption that others collude to my detriment and their favourable attentions are merely misplaced pity. I am having daily attacks of paranoia where my belief in this becomes heightened. This has led to some minor psychotic episodes.

The Psychiatric Nurse I see suggested Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (which is a very new thing here in the UK). This is likely to be denied me due to not being diagnosed BP. However, this encouraged me to research BPD and the more I read the more similarities I saw with myself. But the fundamental core of the diagnosis is missing - I have fairly stable relationships with people, I don't have outbursts of anger, and my impulses are only a little out of control.

I am getting desperate. All I know is that the medication doesn't work and I am getting worse with little prospect of getting better. This is why I'm trying to research this for myself. And why I ask for your help.

After all that waffle my questions are relatively simple - does anyone out there recognise this in themselves? Could this be BPD? Or am I completely barking up the wrong tree?

Thank you to anyone who has had the patience to read this, and many thanks to anyone who is kind enough to respond. I truly hope that you will all manage to tame the internal beasts which dominate our external lives.

Regards,

UM