I have never been able to ask for help. When I was little, there was no point...who would I ask? As I grew, I learned to be self-sufficient and independent. I really have never asked ANYONE for help - not my husband, not my friends - I'm the "helper".

Starting therapy was REALLY HARD for me for that reason....walking in and basically admitting "I need help". It's been such a huge struggle....but T has shown me over and over and over again that I can need things and ask for them and I can need help and ask for it and its OKAY, and usually, I will get what I need.

I've been a mess since my last therapy appointment. I have NEVER cried so much. It's like I've unlocked the tears, and they're just ready to flow at any little thing. I cried talking to H about going down to once a week therapy. I cried today because my autistic son is having such an unbelievably hard time right now. I sobbed tonight because teacher T sent me such an understanding and accepting e-mail - I actually was crying so hard I shut myself in my room so my family wouldn't be freaked out.

And the most amazing chain of events has happened tonight....

I e-mailed T and told him how sad I'm feeling about things..and he just e-mailed me back and said that when he looks at Thursday in his daytimer and doesn't see "earthmama", he feels sad. And he told me he would call me during his breaks when he is in training on Friday so we can process whatever happens in my appointment with Teacher T on Friday morning.

I e-mailed Teacher T and told her how I'm feeling and she sent me the e-mail I mentioned above - so completely understanding and accepting and right on the mark.

And I e-mailed my son's nutritionist who we haven't worked with in over a year - she is out of state and is quite renowned. It's usually a 2 month wait for an appointment with her, but she heard how my son is doing and e-mailed me to tell me that she had told her assistant to give ME the first cancellation that comes up.

I asked three people for help and got just what I needed from all three of them. I admitted I was vulnerable and needed help, and I got it.

It's such a bittersweet feeling - to have to be so open and take risks, but to be rewarded with all of that caring.

I just wanted to share this to give a glimmer of hope to everyone here who would rather do ANYTHING than ask for help. I can't even imagine what would have made me ask for help a couple of years ago. I would have sooner cut off my own toe or something.

But! I am discovering the risks are worth it. I don't have to do everything, or be perfect or independent or walled off. What an amazing lesson I've learned from T.

Sending hope and peace to all of us here at PC