hi, this thread caught my eye, because i have had a similar experience. it is a sad day when we parent our parents. if you know what i mean. i am 23.

my father was not physically abusive, but the same rules applied, verbaly, mentally he beat her down. i suspect she has always been a bit dependant, wanted a father type figure as a husband, was attracted to him for reasons i wont go into right now.

i used to feel alot of anger at both my parents, and for missing carefree childhoodness. but i feel now i understand them better now.. and realise i pity them. need to accept they will never fit the idealiside parent figure i used to want so much. ofcourse i still get angry sometimes.. when your mum is sooooooo diffiuclt it is hard to remain calm. but as a whole i am not angry at her. or him. i have thought much about it and have worked a few things out.

whilst i criticise them heavily sometimes, i am proud that they were able to break the physical abuce cycle they recieved from their parents. the story goes my father got beaten heavily, his father beat his mum and the other kids and was generally a very bad father. my mum was raised by a man she learnt was not her biological father when he sexually abused her. he was violent too and beat her and his wife occassionally. another very disturbed man. and so.. i am proud that my parents broke that cycle. they are by no means perfect, but it cant be easy to have achieved what they have.

i think to block the pain.. my father turned numb. he shows the traits of someone with schizoid personality disorder. he is aloner. he may crave love.. but to attain it from another person is too hard for him, and he has learnt to be 100% self sufficient, he does not need a loving wife, friends etc. i think his range of emotions is less than others. i have never seen him in a rage, or ball his eyes out or in sheer elation. numb.

my mum.. is her own worst enemy. she is needy, dependant, craves love, attention, respect and being looked after. at the same time she hates to be that way, is ashamed of herself, and looks up to what she thinks is strength in my father. she is her own worst enemy. she stresses herself out unecessarily, takes everything personally, refuses to understand her husband.. and plays the martar.

recently i talked to her and explained i think she is schizoid. and she got so excited that he could be 'fixed'. i had to tell her he is notbroken, just different, will not change and you need to accep that, not take how he is as a personal attack as she alwasy does. she understood and agreed.. but cannot change.. iv given up for the time being. in a way i think she could not handle gettign what she wanted, is addicted to complaining. feel she stopped mentally a long time ago. often.. even though she has 63 years of experience.. that has not equated to wisdom, and emotionally she seems llike a child. it was very hard for me to accept.. her weaknesses, and that she will never mother me like i want, and instead i need to look after her, as she is in even more need than i am. i still hate it, but need to accept it, or be disapointed forver.

they are still together. not a couple though, just a partnerhsip. different bedrooms for 20 years. this suits him, he does not need that close reliant relationship. she does. but she fears the embarassment of being divorced, and i think fears.. new territory. of pursuing true love and posisbly making mistakes, risks.. etc. when can she repeat forever what is known.

my parents have had huge impacts on me. a big thing i noticed recently.. is i dont respect that many people. i am extrememly sensitive and can pick up on things easily,.. and understand a person even before they can.. and thus see their weakness, fears etc.. i am working on this.

i dont believe in happy ever after. i have nightmares where.. my boyfriend does something bad.. or i just realise he is a psychopath and there is no hope for a good relationship.. and the dream ends with me in a rage, sometimes beat them senseless. this ofcourse conerns me. but anyway.. when i wake up i cant remembre if it was an ex, a current partner, future.. just feels like 1 morphed partner figure.. where im destined to repeat repeat, and can get a new one.. but same problems..

like you, i have a lovely boyfriend now, i feel quite lucky. and part of the reason i love him is he is sooooooo well adjusted, i think his is the first 'normal' family i ver met. which is great. and i am certainly glad he doesnt have the problems i do! but it is frustrating that he doesn't 'get it', does not understand. and so often i feel alone, dealing alone. but.. im not sure how long you 2 have been togteher, but if they want to know you.. it gets better. my boyfriend tries hard to know my fears and what i go through, its slow progress, but progess none the less.

anyway, i have bla blad on so much. sorry! i think all i wanted to say was, you are not alone, i understand, it sucks, but wil be ok. like some one else said.. your mum is toxic, this may or may not have pre-dated her relationship with your father. you can't change her. through alot of time and hardwork she can make slow progress, but if she is like my mum.. then i doubt it. you need to understand she is not capable of being a strong mother. she may feel guilt for this too, which is understandble, but then she is all consumed by her own pain. and so.. perhaps all you can do is be there for her, let her know you support her no matter what. i would guess her self confidence is very low, and she is highly sensitive and needs alot of support. you need to be strong yourself to be able to support her. and so i recommend talking to someone.. maybe your bf, maybe someelse, maybe a therapist if you are not coping.

i dont know enough to know if it would be considered PTRS.
all the best!