I am a person who has suffered alot of emotional and other abuse in my life. I have been in therapy for quite awhile with a good therapist and have made good strides in several areas. However, I feel the need to create conflicts with her, as the stirred up emotions (though negative) make me feel as if our relationship is alive. It is almost as if I need to be emotionally hurting about her in order to feel close. I also at times have told her that I wish she would hurt me (emotionally). Although I know it would devastate me terribly, another part of me feels that it is "the way it should be" and perhaps wants to suffer.

I'm sure that this is dysfunctional and comes from the traumas I went through as a child. But I can't seem to stop feeling this way. When there are no intense emotions being stirred up in the therapeutic relationship, I begin to fear that there is no relationship, that I don't mean anything to my therapist, and that she will forget about me. Although I have needed all my life to have a supportive, caring, listening ear, now that I have that with my therapist, I do not know how to let myself enjoy it. It's hard to relax, trust, and go with the flow of our work because in some ways, I am always waiting for the rejection or abandonment that feels sure to come. My therapist has been great at proving to me her trustworthiness. But my urge to stir things up and/or sabotage the relationship continue. It is like I have a self-destructive part of myself that refuses to allow me to benefit from a therapeutic relationship that I know could be healing for me.

Does anybody relate? Any advice?

Peaches