This year has been a difficult one dealing with the loss of two very dear family members. In August, my 25 year old cousin was killed in a construction accident, and in September my grandma passed away due to kidney failure. I've found myself feeling more depressed during this holiday season than any other, mainly thinking that these family members won't be around to celebrate. I keep finding myself, thinking as if they were still alive, wondering what to get my grandma for Christmas, remembering that I had planned to give her a variety of perfumes that she loved. And then I catch myself and realize that she's gone and it just seems to hit me hard. I miss her so much. And my cousin, I think about how this will be the first Christmas his two small children will be without him, and my heart aches for them. I remember growing up around him, his birthday was close to mine so many times we would go to our grandparent's house and share a cake to celebrate our birthdays. I can remember his smile, and his kindness, he was the nicest, most gentle person I ever knew. He always made people laugh and smile. I miss him too. I think I'm just ready for this holiday season to be over. I feel like I don't want to celebrate anything. It's just another sad year of pain and loss.