i read your post and need to reply altho i don't know you like some of the other members. i can feel your pain right now. i am so sorry you are having to go through this. when we hit that bottom it is so wretched, like a deep black hole. i'm glad you posted us even tho it was difficult for you to write it out.
can you call a crisis line or pdoic? hang in there,,,when we are at that bottom the only way is up. it sounds like you are rapid cycling with your mood swings. big hugs to you...  
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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