Not to de-rail your thread hangingon, but this is sort of related.

I wrote my T an e-mail over thanksgiving break because i was home alone for three days, and it didn't bode well for me. In a rare moment of reaching out, I e-mailed her and said I was scared...blah blah blah. She wrote back that night saying she'd be back in town the next day and I could call or write if needed. I just wrote her back that I appreciated that she wrote me back.

So I had therapy today since then, and I was nervous that she was going to bring up what I said, knowing I wrote it in an e-mail for a reason; I couldn't say this stuff out loud. She didn't really bring it up, just said how it sounded like I had a tough time over break and what was I feeling then?

I still have trouble just opening up and chatting freely, so that and the fact that I just have a very hard time getting back in touch with those feelings, because I was not feeling that at the moment. So when she asked me how I felt then, I was like "Eh, I don't know, I just was sad and was alone with my thoughts for too long. I just feel selfish and like I'm unwilling to change" Then trailed off, and couldn't really get into anything.

I told her how I still feel like I shouldn't need to be there, shouldn't need help. That I feel worthless most of the time. She said that there definitely still seems to be a disconnect from my "intrapsychic structure" and what I can verbalize, and I seem to have a hard time trusting anyone in getting help.

I guess...I don't know. Its hard when I don't even trust myself to even believe what I feel. I don't know how to get over that. Its been almost a year, and I don't know how much I've really improved. Is it just that I'm very slow to trust? Or is it just because we aren't a great "fit"? I like her enough, I just don't know. I know I will not leave...but I'm afraid I won't be able to get over this point. Sigh.