Hey everyone,

I'm new here, got a question. I'm experiencing something, unsure what it is. I guess just trying to figure my place in the continuum of dissociation... So, here's the story:

My memory is fragmented, not coherent. I don't have like time lapses, don't "come in" in unknown places, etc. But all I remember is bits and pieces, random, not connected. I feel they cover my entire life, but then - how can I be sure I'm not missing something... I remember like a young child - scenes, frames, not a continuous story. I can usually figure what happened first and what happened later, just by the logic, or by small clues (like I remember wearing a swimsuit while I had that argument with my sis, so it must have been during summer), and so I cope, it doesn't really cause me any inconvenience, it just seems weird, now, that I started thinking about it.

I do sleep-walk and sleep-talk. Usually, to a "normal" extent, where a person I talk to knows right away I'm asleep, as I say meaningless things, don't answer questions, can't keep up a conversation, etc. A few times, though, it happened that the next morning a person would describe in detail lengthy conversations we had, decisions we made, even walks we took outside (!), and I have absolutely no recollection of it. It only happened literally a few times, maybe two or three, it seemed weird, but didn't bother me till I started thinking of dissociation.

The hardest thing to say: sometimes it's like someone else talks through my mouth. It's still me, but some other kind of me. Like, it's coming straight from my subconscious, without any check, any control, any filtering. I'd just blurt out random stuff and right away think "huh?!!!" Nothing bad ever came out like that, but it's still embarrassing and weird, and scary 'cause I never know what I might blurt out next. It's like, I hear myself talk, but have zero control over it. A few days ago I had this important meeting with a client, signing a huge contract, he asked me how I was, I replied, "I wanna chocolate icecream." It was fine, we joked about it, he took it for flirting, I guess, but, I mean, it's an inappropriate response...

I'm in therapy, and have just realized that, after I leave my T's office, I have not a slightest clue what did we just talk about, what did she wear, etc. Absolutely zero memory. Then, gradually, during the week, random bits and pieces of the session surface in my memory, so I get a feeling I remember most of it, but then I'm not so sure. And, anyhow, it's weird. It feels like there's two me's, and they need time to "catch up" on what's happening. If that makes any sense. Unfortunately, I can't even talk about it to my T 'cause when I'm there, I don't remember any of these concerns. I did write down notes for myself at first, but discovered I couldn't read them. I saw letters, and even words, but couldn't grasp what they meant. Like I forgot how to read, or just couldn't focus. Maybe I should start emailing her...

I don't have any alters (well, I guess I should add "that I'm aware of"), all this talk of "other me's" is just an attempt to phrase what it feels like. All this "blurting out random stuff", and "catching up" after therapy, and having fragmented memory...

Anyone been there? What does it sound like? I'm not self-diagnosing, I'm trying to gain insight/perspective...

Thank you very much for any input!!!
Curiosus