Hi all. I'm new here as this is my first official thread. I've been fighting a very severe depression for just over 4 years now. I've had periods where it's lifted but it been sheer hell for the most part. This is my 2nd severe depression. The first one mercifully ended after 6 months.

I'm so beaten down at this point. I've done all the things you're supposed to do to get well. No self-medicating, no substance abuse, been in therapy, and have been treated by two good Doctors. This illness is ruining my life. It's that simple. I keep thinking it's some horrible test I must pass, but if it is I feel I have already passed that test time and time again.

I've been strong, as only those who have felt this pain can relate too. I have been on so many different meds I've lost track of them all. I even subjected myself to ECT after being told it worked 80% of the time. I felt I had no choice but it was an awful mistake as it left me numb for some time. I'm often left wondering what is so broken in my brain that it refuses to be fixed.

I want everyone hear to know that I haven't given up. These are just the words of someone in pain. I need to vent. I grow so tired of having to tell my family and friends I'm not well. Even those that love us have a very hard time understang this illness. I have a wife and 2 young children who need me. The fight goes on. I wish everyone here all the best. Billy