thank you both

Roman, that's exactly it, except at this point now we've done as much together as they did except not been together as long as they had been.

The other problem that has come up, is in reading some old posts and random stuff... I feel weird that he kept connection after she broke up with him. She had sex with someone, and then they broke up. The relationship was ending neways.
They didnt talk for a while, he says he was upset for a bit then moved on over time. But they continued to talk fairly shortly after. They'd act like normal friends again. I guess it's weird becuase he didn't stop caring for her (as a friend) and it doesnt feel like "i'm the only one" sometimes, because he's done everything first, and even my first kiss was with him

I now feel sometimes that my firsts were almost taken away because we did not share them. The relationship between them is DEFINITELY over, but I still feel bad about it.

The though of them together makes me shudder
It makes me want to disconnect from everything it makes me so sda

I just don't know what to do bout it