I can't tell him, I'll lose him for sure.. He'll go mad at me and I can't take that. it's killed me enough as it is just finding out that his friend's just found out that his gilfriend is 6 months pregnant.. i wish it was me, i really do.. but I know I'm not ready yet.. Mentally.. This is really gonna sound weird, but ever since I got my dog 2 years ago, my maternal instincts really kicked in. She was my baby, my child, my everything.. And now she's gone? I want a baby to look after again.. What if he's gotten me pregnant? or given me some form of infection? Anything? i tried to push him off, I tried so hard, i said no, but then for some reason I changed my mind and made him use a condom.. the police won't do anything..

I'm terrified, i can't tell anyone.. I still keep thinking it's not rape because I consented.. he didn't think I was that drunk, but really, I was.. I just hid it too well.. I didn't know what the hell I was doing apart from i know that I made sure he had a condom on.. I don't feel like it's rape because of that.. I told him why I couldn't do it, pleaded, told him no, told him he couldn't fool me with all his tricks, he put all his weight on me and pushed his head into mine to kiss me so hard that I just couldn't pull away.. I feel like such a sl*t, i really do.. I can't deal with this, not now, not again.. My friend was with me too and she let it happen, while some other guy, his mate f*cked her.

I didn't leave there until 6 this morning, and woke up at 8:30 this morning, feeling rough and broken, dirty, sore.. Really sore.. I squirmed so much and he was like "Oh but I want you, baby.. You know you want me too" he was turkish.. I thought he was ok, he's christian as well, but obviously not a very flaming good 'un!

How will hating myself not cause any good purpose when it's all my stupid f*cking fault for getting so sh*tfaced on vodka and coke, and cherry sourz.. half of a litre bottle of vodka I got through and half of a litre bottle of apple sourz, along with a litre bottle of WKD blue.. I don't even remember half the things I did. All four of us made a pact that no-one but us would know.. pff, like that's gonna stay. It was horrible, the other guy, too was all over me, i couldn't escape.. i was sandwiched between the two of them, both putting condoms on ready to "take me" I feel so gross talking about this, it's horrible, but how the hell else can I let it out? I can't talk to Connor.. He'll break up with me, I know he will and when i found out his friend's girlfriend was pregnant, i thought "I'm going to the clinic on Wednesday for a pregnancy test and loads of STI tests.. i can't deal with this" I mean.. He used a condom, but he was rubbing against me and trying to get inside me without a condom on.. I must've hurt him so much, I pushed and pushed with all my strength and when my elbow locked i didn't care one bit.. I scratched, i bit, i squealed, shouted no, but he wouldn't listen.. But how is it rape when I let him do it? When I sia dthat he could do it, when I told him to put the condom on first? how?
Pressure?

God help me..