I have suffered from BPD since the early 90's. I have been hospitalized over 20 times. I have actually lost count.
It was a constant occurence for several years.
Then I had this really nice stretch of either stuffing everything back inside or actually feeling a little better and I lived like a somewhat normal person. No meds, therapy here and there but usually quit after a few sessions. I managed to cope with journaling and SI. But I felt like I was handling things very well.
Since October 2004 things started to spiral downward again for me. I began to have daily suicidal idealation. (sp)
I couldn't stop thinking about it. I just got into this funk, this darkness that creeped up from nowhere.
I think I am a freak, a monster, a loser. I feel like I don't deserve love. And I think that is why people abandon me...because they get burdened and tired of me.
I don't feel good in my head.
I just started therapy 1 month ago. And this is w/ a therapist I had 7 years ago who knows me well and my history. But, I feel like I am already letting her down and I am disappointing her. I want her to be proud of me and there is so much conflict inside of me that I think I am just bothering her with my mini crisis from time to time.
Does anyone here understand any of this???
Please help me. Help me get out of this hole I seem to have fallen into....PLEASE HELP ME!