zen, sorry that you feel so lonely and sad. the holidays will not last forever so perhaps just try to make each day like any other day. i lost both of my parents as a young adult. i can relate to how you feel this xmas. what i discovered was that when each holiday that rolled around the feelings of sadness became less intense. it's not like we don't still miss our loved one it's just that the healing eventually helps us on our way. this thanksgiving we put our mom's photo at the thanksgiving table. in a way it was honoring her. she died in nov.1985 but we still miss her. she had always loved cooking and doing for us at holidays.hugs to you .
...and summer is already on it's way...