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i am making another small act of surrender here, today. lately i have been abusing the painkillers my doctor prescribed for me. i did it to block emotional pain and fear - NOT what the medicine was prescribed for. i feel the shame of going back to old behavior. i feel fear of being swallowed up in my daughter's crisis. she has been pulling on me too heavily in her struggle with a job, that has turned into a nightmare, that she can't honorably quit. i do not know how to help her and don't want to abandon her like my parents did to me when i had difficulties. this time of year brings up bad past abuse and fear, i don't "do" holidays well.
up until recently i had 5 1/2 years sobriety from drug abuse and i am admitting i am in relapse. i have not had a relapse before and i am not sure what i need to do. i am also not sure what i am "willing" to do. right now i think i am willing to be honest online in writing, but i do not want to admit my behavior to my spouse, or daughters. i wish i could find someone i could go into accountability with - even one person i could talk to honestly and report to before i took any pill wrongly, would be a huge protective boundary for me...
i am grateful this forum exists and this thread has been here. i want to become honest again.
leslie and the pixies
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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