Sounds like you're really having a tough time. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. That's why the advice from GIMMEICE would be very helpful to you. I'm going through serious bouts of depression MYSELF. It's absolutely horrifying, especially when you are trying to keep everything together and to yourself. Sometimes, you don't want to talk to friends and/or family because you feel they don't understand and you may be scrutinized for appearing weak. Mental illness is a disease just like hypertension, diabetes, etc., and you shouldn't be ashamed if you are having problems. One thing I want you to do is to to see a medical professional so you can be prescribed some medications. There are so many kinds out there to help people like me and you. It may be easy from you as it is for me to talk to someone at this site rather than face-to-face. The advice given by this Psych Central is helpful, but you do need to see a medical professional. There is no shame in doing that. I, like so many others, have seen or are seeing psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, therapists.

PLEASE GET HELP, STUP. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

GOD BLESS YOU.