Do you feel more comfortable in session or outside of therapy?

I'm still terribly uncomfortable a lot, even after all this time, almost 2 years. It's the one-on-one thing, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

I cannot be myself, whoever that is. I am stoic, just as she said. I am so nonreactive that we might as well be using flashcards.

I hold back, I contain any reactions, I feel everything we talk about is a judgement and I feel enormous shame. Just for being.

I think she'd be delighted for me to be angry with her, and she'll ask if something that has happened between us made me feel angry, disappointed, etc. I asked her why she keeps wanting to make me out to be angry! Maybe angry would be better, more interesting, less agonizingly boring than the non-reacting, holding in, holding back. When I actually did get angry, not long after asking why she was making me out to be angry, and after session I called her, ticked, and congratulated her. It was really a rude call and I was so embarrassed by it. How could I treat someone like that who's been so good to me

Last night we talked about holding back in session and suffering after with the flood of feelings. Not judging it, but noticing it and talking about how that's the way I learned to get by. We're going to talk a lot more about it. I am almost afraid to hope that I might become a spontaneous person, especially in session.

(But she is curious, "fascinated" about my fantasies and I'm not sharing )

It's exciting and panic inducing at the same time. But I want *so* much to be able to be myself, to feel comfortable, to laugh and cry, to feel freely and not have that feel so vulnerable that I have to retreat. I want that in therapy and out, but I really want it in therapy. I'm tired of hiding.

2 weeks ago I changed where I sit in the room and it seems to be somewhat symbolic. I no longer sit on the couch that is low to the ground, presumably for children. From my chair I sit in now, I don't have to look at the shelves full of children's toys. Although I sit next to the sand tray and a doll house, now I can see a beautiful picture of a garden in muted tones, a draped table with a lamp, and a potted plant. And T, lovely T, with the soft voice and hearty laugh.

Geez am I back to idealizing. lol