i've read the responses to your post and totally agree with all of them. i also had a really tough time getting sober...the first thing i would say to you is don't beat yourself up about your failures to stop drinking but look at what you have already done to help yourself through this process. there are many of us that don't get it the first, second, third, etc. time. the good news is that many of us did finally get it!!! it took me over 6 years to get it done. what was the key for me was first getting my bipolar stabilized and then focusing on the drinking part. my pdoc and T both had focused on drinking problems getting their degrees and this helped me immensely in both my last hospital stay (psych ward) and later in outside treatment. a 12 step recovery program also reinforced what i'd tried to do before in the same program. kudos for your having the desire to get well. i'll pray for you...i believe in the power of prayer cause it impacted me in trying to recover. you're on the road to recovery even tho you may not know it now. i know cause i could relate to your "story" and i've been sober for some time now...longer than my drinking history.