Hi sj ... I'm sorry you're feeling like you've fallen into a hole, which I'm probably thinking this is a hole you've fallen into a few times before.

I am BPD as well. I'm not well at this time. I can understand the feelings your describing. I also have problems with my identity that can often consume me.

In relationships I can become codependant. I try to see this ahead of time and prevent it, but that doesn't really work.

I si along with suicidal ideation. I feel like my life is a waste etc. Many of the same things you've listed.

If I don't stop long enough for a while to not think about it all. I can manage, but evenutally when I do well then it all catches up.

Just a big mess really. I probably won't even make sense sometimes.

I feel like a huge burden to my family & loved one's. It's hard to put that to words even.

Anyways, i know what you're going through. I'm not sure I know exactly the right things to say or do, but I just wanted to say at least that yeah I do know how you feel...and please you're not a monster, a freak or a loser. And of all the ppl I've ever met .. what is "normal" ..everyone ..and I do mean everyone has issues.

Please take good care.

If you need anything pm me anytime
Eva