Hello all,

I havent been in these forums for a while, mainly because I was dealing with things pretty well...until now.

I realise that what will follow will be a long post, and may be a trigger to many, so I apologise in advance but I hope you can read this and feel you are able to help and support me.

I will give a quick description of my past...I am a male, 21 years old, and I was abused when I was about ten years old by an older male. Because of this and other issues in my life, I grew up spending most of my teenage years dealing with deep depression and I spent most of this time on my own, in no relationships and with hardly any friends. After a few years I had dealt with everything well and I was able to get my life back on track, slowly. I still have few friends, not loads, but a few good ones. I don't socialise much due to the lack of friends. I have not had a proper sexual relationship yet. I am still a virgin. Earlier this year I met a woman who is the same age as me who I became attracted to, and we became very close. But as we became closer I found it triggered all of my memories and bad emotions linked to the sexual abuse. I ended the relationship before any sexual activities took place, I was scared sick. A few months on and it is worse, I am worse. I have slipped back into my depression and am really struggling to stay above water. The old suicidal thoughts have come back and I have just started a course of anti-depressants. All of this, including the fact I feel completely unable to commit sexually to anyone, leaves me feeling really unhealthy. I have heard several people or experts say that abusers tend to abuse. This has sparked a paranoia within myself and I find myself almost convincing myself that I will abuse. Of course, I dont want to and I never will, but I am finding more and more this fear of such a thing. I feel a failure because I have been unable to hold down a relationship and am still sexually unable to commit. It leaves me feeling really confused and I struggle to comprehend that sex and all linked emotions can be a good thing and can be a bonding process. To me, sex represents fear and childhood emotions. My T has said that I have emotionally gone back to that period in my life and that we need to focus on how to work past it. I suppose it's a form of PTSD? I am really scared. I dont want to feel like this anymore and I dont want to keep convincing myself that I am evil etc, I don't want to feel such an overwhelming sense of fear, dread and upset. I feel I am trapped in this fear and I am loosing faith that I will be able to work past it.

Has anyone reading this experienced the same/similar? Are you experiencing it now? How did/do you deal? I want to get better obviously and I would never let it get as bad as to find myself with the desire to abuse others and I want to be able to hold down a relationship with a woman my own age etc. I want a normal life and sometimes it feels so out of reach. I feel like this is something I am unable to get past. Is a normal, happy, healthy life out of reach?

The fear I have had over writing this is immense and so overwhelming. I feel constantly scared. Nobody in my family is aware of the abuse I endured as a child and I have a couple of friends who know of my abuse issues. I realise this post may be hard for some to read. If it's anywhere near as hard to read as it is to write then I really do apologise from the depths of my heart.

Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully reply.