Hi Simon,
I am so sorry you are hurting so bad, but I am glad you are taking care of yourself with meds and therapy. That is the best thing to do, plus have hope that you can recover.
What you experienced was a terrible thing, and it would effect most in the same way. You were taken advantaged of, and your innocence was taken away from someone who should have know better. There are so many thing that were taken away from you from this person who perpetrated you.
I am glad you still could make some meaning friends along the way, that is so important. I imagine it might even be harder for a male to experience this because it is less known. I am sure your deep depression was a result of this abuse. So now when you were ready to start a sexual relationship with somebody you cared about, it triggered you back to the time you were abused. It sure sounds like PTSD, what does your T say?
I want to make a comment about abused tend to abuse also. Well most do not, but it is true that it can cycle through generations of abuse. The fact you are afraid of it, tells me you probably won't do it, you know how it feels, and I feel you wouldn't hurt an innocent child they way you were harmed. I was abused terribly as a child and now I am a mom who has 2 kids 12 and 13 who I adore so much and I could never ever abuse them. I read lots of parenting books because I had to re learn how to parent, since my parents did not show a good example
I also suffer from PTSD, and it is very scary. I want you to know you are not alone in these feelings. I have been posting the last couple of days how I am feeling, and I too feel along and scared, but wonderful people here told me that I am not alone with my feelings.
It is going to take time to rewrite you sexual feelings, and it is a up and down journey. You have taken many good steps torwards healing, first a T, 2nd meds, and 3rd, you have reached out here. These are good things and with your intellegence and will to get better, you will you are doing the right things.
I have found a really good T who I am working on some very terrible memories of child abuse with right now, so maybe we can support each other and other here on PC as we go through our processes. Good luck, and don't hesitate to keep writing.
Exoticflower
Quote:
Originally Posted by Simon
Hello all,
I havent been in these forums for a while, mainly because I was dealing with things pretty well...until now.
I realise that what will follow will be a long post, and may be a trigger to many, so I apologise in advance but I hope you can read this and feel you are able to help and support me.
I will give a quick description of my past...I am a male, 21 years old, and I was abused when I was about ten years old by an older male. Because of this and other issues in my life, I grew up spending most of my teenage years dealing with deep depression and I spent most of this time on my own, in no relationships and with hardly any friends. After a few years I had dealt with everything well and I was able to get my life back on track, slowly. I still have few friends, not loads, but a few good ones. I don't socialise much due to the lack of friends. I have not had a proper sexual relationship yet. I am still a virgin. Earlier this year I met a woman who is the same age as me who I became attracted to, and we became very close. But as we became closer I found it triggered all of my memories and bad emotions linked to the sexual abuse. I ended the relationship before any sexual activities took place, I was scared sick. A few months on and it is worse, I am worse. I have slipped back into my depression and am really struggling to stay above water. The old suicidal thoughts have come back and I have just started a course of anti-depressants. All of this, including the fact I feel completely unable to commit sexually to anyone, leaves me feeling really unhealthy. I have heard several people or experts say that abusers tend to abuse. This has sparked a paranoia within myself and I find myself almost convincing myself that I will abuse. Of course, I dont want to and I never will, but I am finding more and more this fear of such a thing. I feel a failure because I have been unable to hold down a relationship and am still sexually unable to commit. It leaves me feeling really confused and I struggle to comprehend that sex and all linked emotions can be a good thing and can be a bonding process. To me, sex represents fear and childhood emotions. My T has said that I have emotionally gone back to that period in my life and that we need to focus on how to work past it. I suppose it's a form of PTSD? I am really scared. I dont want to feel like this anymore and I dont want to keep convincing myself that I am evil etc, I don't want to feel such an overwhelming sense of fear, dread and upset. I feel I am trapped in this fear and I am loosing faith that I will be able to work past it.
Has anyone reading this experienced the same/similar? Are you experiencing it now? How did/do you deal? I want to get better obviously and I would never let it get as bad as to find myself with the desire to abuse others and I want to be able to hold down a relationship with a woman my own age etc. I want a normal life and sometimes it feels so out of reach. I feel like this is something I am unable to get past. Is a normal, happy, healthy life out of reach?
The fear I have had over writing this is immense and so overwhelming. I feel constantly scared. Nobody in my family is aware of the abuse I endured as a child and I have a couple of friends who know of my abuse issues. I realise this post may be hard for some to read. If it's anywhere near as hard to read as it is to write then I really do apologise from the depths of my heart.
Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully reply.
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