Thank you both for your replies so far, I really do appreciate it.

A lot of what you said makes sense, and I feel this place can really help me work past this.

What you said about the cycle is reassuring. As I said before, I do not want to abuse and I will never let it get to that stage. If I ever found myself at that stage, I would instantly take dramatic steps to insure it never happens. I would rather die than let that happen.

I don't think I am afraid to deal with this, I am more afraid of not dealing with it, letting it continue for many more years. The thought of that makes me feel sick with worry...I can't go on with this anymore, it needs to change. I have felt this bad now for a couple of months and even though I (rarely) feel "up", my down moods havent changed and I feel I would rather face up to it, to be honest to myself and others in order to really deal with this. I have a huge sense of guilt all the time, I'm not quite sure why though. Is that a normal feeling assosciated with victims of abuse?