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Simon, I can relate to a lot of what you talk about re: intimacy with women.
I lost my virginity at 19 completely due to her talking the lead. I was deathly afraid of even trying to kiss a girl (even after that): I froze up, couldn't get myself to try and make my interest for being more than friends as anything like that. It was painful for feeling the fear and in part feeling like a loser (and screwed up) as I watched people around me date or just hook-up. When I was physically intimate with her--we fooled around a couple of times before then--I would get so nervous that I would shake. We ended up being physically intimate to some degree maybe 10 times—never a “girlfriend.” I always got nervous and would shake. Something about intimacy, not just physical, scared the hell out of me. I couldn't ask anyone out for years and didn't have a girlfriend at all until 26. I had a 2 more one or 2-time sexual experiences until that age. I felt repulsive. Guys are still expected to take the lead--at that age? still?--I think, so that makes it worse for the barriers you have to get past, i.e. takign the lead. I watched girls/women go by my life that I was interested in that I thought were interested-enough go out with some other guy. It was crazy and painful to see them slip away with some other guy or just the possibility of anything happening just fading away.
If you're getting the help at your age as seriously as you appear to be taking it, that's a very positive thing.
I think that at that age "commitment" in a real sense is rare. Relationships are more superficial for more people your age than you'd think--superficial in the sense that they aren't so well-grounded, as emotionally/psychologically deep as they might appear to someone in that age range. Two 21 year olds who are committed still are likely less deeply involved than 2 40-year olds. It seemed to me like I was the only one not having relationships, but it's not that rare. My wholly mentally-healthy niece just had her first boyfriend that anyone knows of at 22.5. She's not the type that was sleeping with random guys. My likewise healthy nephew is 21 and has never had a girlfriend around. I see it in young adults that age all the time and think: Why did it seem like I was the only one at that age who never dated? I wasn't.
Not to diminish your issues, just that you're not the only one without sexual/relationship experience at your age. Getting past what are your barriers--that you are already aware of being there--isn't easy, but you're working on it seriously enough to be getting help, and that's doing what you can right now.
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