I've had an epiphany over the last couple of days that I would like to share.

I had an opportunity yesterday morning to give my "testimony", the story of my life and how I've ended up where I am now.

A big part of my story has to do with the way my family treated me and continue to treat me. The intense pain that has been inflicted upon me has caused me great sorrow, extreme rage and the desire to declare to the world the evil things they've done and said to me. I did this yesterday morning...I ended up breaking down before everyone in a waterfall of tears of pain. I thought about all of the things I've survived and continue to try to survive from. I smeared them and gave gorey details of their abuse toward me.

I found the answer in conquering this pain, this sorrow, this rage and this bitterness. I must forgive them. Not only for my benefit, but for theres too. I will only be free to be healed of my broken heart and my broken spirit by forgiving them of all their hurtful words and actions. I have to be willing to love them regardless of what they've done. I've come to realize that most of the time we've been hurt by others...they don't even think they've done anything wrong. They feel justified in there actions or feelings toward me. But only in forgiveness are they free to feel unintimated by my pain and anger and bitterness. To respond in love and kindness.

How do I forgive them? Well, this is not a feeling, it's an action. I reach out to them in love, displaying kindness and an open heart to their own personal pain. Give them the opportunity to forgive themselves just as I must forgive myself the pain I've inflicted on others in my pain, sorrow and anger and bitterness.

How do I "know" I've forgiven them. By no longer feeling the need to tell everyone the horrors inflicted upon me by them. To always be seeking sympathy and justification for my feelings of pain, sorrow, rage and bitterness. To know longer belittle them to others in an attempt to smear them. Then and only then will I be free of these chains of bondage.

Then when the depression of bp hits me, perhaps the intensisty and duration of the depression will be lessened. I'm not so blind as to think I won't ever feel depression again. This is an illness I have that I will always have. But in my times of depression I won't feel the need to lash out in anger either toward them, even indirectly and also the anger and guilt I inflict upon myself. Guilt does not need to be a component of the depression. Whether I'm inflicting the guilt upon them or myself. I can be free of that particular bondage too.

This is the prayer of my heart for today, this moment. I forgive myself and others of all the horrible and atrocious things we've all done and said to each other. I pray that my heart will only reach out in love and be open to myself and them to be free to express that love and understanding and compassion. And may God forgive me and my family for these wrong doings. Allowing God to heal my broken heart, my broken spirit and theirs too.

TgrsPurr.