Thanks to everyone for their answers. I often wonder the same thing. I find when I'm ill and not in my natural, healthy mind that I loose touch with my spirituality. I had a rough childhood and since then, I'm not really able to buy into the commercial "happy" in society. I know that happiness really is about the intangible experiences we have. Relationships, travel, education, spirit, health, the things you take with you at the end. When I'm ill, it's hard to have those experiences and I then wonder why I bother breathing anymore. I have a tattoo on my arm; "Faith". I have faith that what's happening now is exactly what's supposed to be happening. I got the tattoo because when I'm ill, or old or in a place I don't yet know, I can read it and remind myself of where I started. Mary Ellen Copeland, Who created the WRAP program for depression and Bipolar DO said that at some point she had to decide to just live no matter what. I try to remind myself of that. I guess, that's where i'm at.