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I also worry what T thinks (and the T HE is consulting). This happens especially when I divulge personal information like I have in the past month. It makes me feel SO vulnerable and I just want to push him away BUT I start feeling really needy. It's like I have to make sure that everything is okay. I've been needy since divulging the last bit of information and have asked him for an extra session during the week three times. The first two times were fine, but he was hesitant on the third time. He told me he doesn't want me to become dependent upon him. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I asked him if he would have a problem offering a second session to another patient who didn't have my issues. He said that he would not. I told him that it felt like I was being punished for who I am. I'm so frustrated. Yes, I worry that he and the consultant think I'm a big @#@#$ing loser. I think that, so why not project it upon them?
Why can't he just give me the extra session a week? I feel like I wasn't worth the time of day way back when and I feel the same now (in spite of what my intellectual brain says). My toddler emotions just don't get it. I'm hurt. I feel rejected. I feel like how I feel is not important. I know that the consultant has heard of what I told T, but she said that she wouldn't see me for the extra session. Now I'm terrified because I feel so vulnerable, I don't know if I can trust her.
T told me that I needed to redefine trust if my definition was that I can trust people who consistently are there for me when I need them. I guess I didn't get that, but can't get that now.
I know I rambled and apologize for that. Yes, I DO worry what my T thinks. He doesn't tell me exactly for that reason. How am I supposed to know how I feel or think? I don't even know if there's a me. So, I told him a lot of information and now wish I hadn't because he knows, the consultant knows, neither are willing to give me the extra session, and I feel sooo vulnerable I hate it. I told T I wanted to push him and everyone else away and just disintegrate.
There HAS to be a better solution to our issues than this. There HAS to be a better therapy model to address how we feel that hasn't been discovered yet. We ought to come up with one and market it, make a lot of money, and help tons of people at the same time.
Over and out . . .
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