I had a horrible session with T Oh my.... was I anxious. Normally once I am sitting in her office I am okay or at least I know I will be once 10 or so minutes go by. But today that did not happen. The second she closed the door I got extremely tense and my sanity went out the door and I wanted to follow it. There are no windows in her office, which made it worse! I dont know what happened...

I started making general convo about my intake with the nurse they have on staff that prescribes meds, and I dont know how the subject switched, but I was telling her how my older sisters told me that when I younger...well before I turned one how x,y,z happened to me that I didnt even know about. So she says "well, how did you feel when they said told you this?" Instead of telling her how I FELT, I told her that I told my sisters I didnt want to know anything else. Then she says "Well, how did you feel?" I sat for a second or two or three...and told her i was upset...then I went silent. She said something, but I honestly can't remember what she said. We were talking about how we need to start chipping way at my shell and get to some emotions....She kept saying its okay to feel x,y,z-- it's okay to feel it.... Every time she said "feel" i got more and more tense and anxious...lol... my hands were shaking and I was getting hot and cold flashes. My social anxiety had nothing to do with what happened. I have grown quite comfortable with T, though I have yet to fully disclose myself to her the way I'd like. When I looked at the clock only 20 minutes had passed!! I said something along the lines of it's only 6:15?? I'd only been there for 15 minutes. It felt like an eternity!!!

Then I told her I was sorry, but didn't want to be sitting with her talking to her this evening and she told me it was okay. She asked why and I told her I wasn't in the mood to be there. She wanted me to go into detail. So I told her I didnt think therapy was going to work. I told her I feel like I have no right or reason to be upset about anything or complain about anything. I told her i keep thinking maybe I am okay. She asked if i wanted to talk about something else and I told her yes. So we talked about my LDR, where I would like to be by Oct 09 ( i plan to move out of "syberia" , have a new gig etc)...sigh...

I dont know what happened. I just could not calm down for the life of me. I almost ran out the door by the time session was over. I got to my car i was shaking like a leaf...it was the weirdest thing ever.

She's a really nice woman and gives really good advice. I like her, but today...today,today..T is still so new to me...so her wanting to find a way to "chip" at my shell and revea more..eeeeek...scares the heck outta me. I know I can't stay in shallow convos with her forever.... Anyways, I gave T some stuff to read for next week too, which I regret doing now after what happened today.

Sorry for the rant...