Quote:
Originally Posted by peaches100
It has always been hard for me to talk openly about certain issues, so in my therapy, I've done ALOT of writing about how I feel. I've tried to be brave and honest, and have really divulged alot of my thoughts and feelings. . . some of them extremely personal and/or embarrassing. I'm pretty sure I've said things that most people would not mention, even to their t. While my t has commended the poetry I've shared with her and always responds acceptingly to whatever I write. . .I can't help but think that much of my writing must peg me as a really messed up/disturbed person. I worry that when she reads what I've written, inside her head she is thinking, "Oh man! This person is MAJORLY screwed up!" Maybe she pities me, like she would a lost dog. Or maybe she feels exasperated because I come across as a self-consumed whiner.
I worry about this because she rarely tells me how she feels about what I write. We talk about my feelings and reactions, which I know is the focus of therapy. But I can't help wondering what she thinks, how she reacts inside to what I share with her . . .what she actually thinks of me as a person. At times, she has commented on talents I have (such as jewelry making and musical ability), but she does not tell me what she thinks of me. I just wish I knew.
Although part of my concern is probably unfounded paranoia, she has at times made statements that I believe indicate that I must be quite disturbed. For example, once my husband joked that I'd be in therapy forever. When I mentioned it to my therapist and asked her opinion, she said "Based on the early deficits you had in your childhood, you may always have some need for a therapeutic relationship." That tells me that she must consider me pretty bad off.
Do any of you worry about this?
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I never thought I would say this, but...yes; I sometimes worry about how my T might perceive me after I tell him something heavy and/or "odd."
Sometimes I can't read my T's body language when I tell him something that is distressing to me, which only makes me wonder more. He is very good at hiding his reactions so that I am not alarmed or made to feel as though I am weird or strange. Sometimes too, I misinterpret his body language to mean something it isn't. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so I tend towards "catastrophic" type thinking at times, assuming the worst of something when there is often no basis behind it.
Any way you look at it though, my T has almost thirty years in the "biz", so I am pretty damn sure he has seen and heard almost all of it. Your T probably isn't too much different in that regard unless she is naive or extremely inexperienced with diverse populations. I wouldn't worry too much; in my experience with my T the worry is usually unfounded. I've said and done some disturbing things, and my T doesn't think any less of me for it.