wow thanks for that! went through my delete box - thought it was another symptom I could add to the list! seeing dissapearing emails -

Yes I suppose I let him in a little and that was terrifying - I told him things I had never told another person about my past and that was terrifying - I seem to be afraid of lots of things - I was taught as a child that if you reach out you'll get slapped down -so I dont reach out because I know what the result will be (I know thats stupid but its hard to get past) so asking if he would still treat me is too scary for me - if he had a secretary that would be much easier to deal with but he hasnt.

I was always told that if there was a good and bad choice I would choose the bad one - maybe that's why I have trouble making decisions, I think ECHOES was right in that I wanted to re-connect(still scary) - because I think he could help me - and a lot of the time i feel i am on the edge of a storm that will swallow me whole - so maybe I had an ulterior motive apart from finding out how he is - anyway I think ive made my decision - so thanks P7