Hi ECHOES,

reading everyone's replies helped me see what I was feeling - a lot of the time I dont know how I feel - cant rely on myself to do know whats right - I am sitting here with tears because I know now why I didnt want to call and wanted to call at the same time -

I wanted to know how he was - still do -

i would have liked to have seen if he would treat me as a private patient - (public patient but outside of the insurance) but I cant reach out in case its misinterpreted. So I will just take the good things he taught me and hold back the storm. (I only realised this through the replies in this post so thankyou everyone)

I am too afraid of too many things - so I will send a xmas card with my well wishes in it - I think its the safe option and I dont think that would be misinterpreted - thanks everyone P7