Quote:
Originally Posted by Simon
Thank you both for your replies so far, I really do appreciate it.
A lot of what you said makes sense, and I feel this place can really help me work past this.
What you said about the cycle is reassuring. As I said before, I do not want to abuse and I will never let it get to that stage. If I ever found myself at that stage, I would instantly take dramatic steps to insure it never happens. I would rather die than let that happen.
I don't think I am afraid to deal with this, I am more afraid of not dealing with it, letting it continue for many more years. The thought of that makes me feel sick with worry...I can't go on with this anymore, it needs to change. I have felt this bad now for a couple of months and even though I (rarely) feel "up", my down moods havent changed and I feel I would rather face up to it, to be honest to myself and others in order to really deal with this. I have a huge sense of guilt all the time, I'm not quite sure why though. Is that a normal feeling assosciated with victims of abuse?
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Morning Simon!
"I have a huge sense of guilt all the time, I'm not quite sure why though. Is that a normal feeling assosciated with victims of abuse?"
usual disclaimer of jmo/jme
guilt and shame play a huge part in our initial steps towards healing...and they can be the most destructive.
**both are draining and a waste of our energy**
Simon, please try and remember that you are looking back as an adult at something that happened to you as a child.
This is true of many people in recovery. We forget that as children we had no control over an abuser's action. Over time we come to think we were to blame; especially if someone doesn't believe us if we tell or we don't tell anyone about our abuse.
I want to add that as much as I understand your desire to protect your family...that is caretaking and does not help you. It may take you some time to share, or you may always keep it inside because you are more comfortable doing it.
Please evaluate with your T why you are doing this--understanding it at can at least lessen the feeling of being responsible for their feelings...
I've shared before that I had reached the point where I could no longer live this way...
I was in the middle so to speak. Miserable and angry, full of self-hatred, feeling so much shame and guilt.
It was pointed out that I could get out of that mire with help. Getting help meant times of anguish but I would have help and support getting through it.
No brainer to me...I could feel worthless with barely a chance to feel decent or I could tackle it...knowing I'd still have those feelings for awhile. The difference for me was moving forward and letting go of many things.
Is it easy? Not usually, and it fact it can also be so very hard to keep at it when you feel lousy.
Is it hard and draining at times? Yes. But guilt and shame were sucking me dry anyway so I might as well continue with my T.
Is It Worth It? A resounding Yes.
I went through stages of grief, anger, more anger, confusion but I did not give up...I knew there was something beautiful and peaceful coming to my heart.
Some days I still have times of feeling inadequate, but I know their source and can use my arsenal of tools to walk through it.
Simon, I've for the most part come to accept the abuse as a part--a part--of who i am...it's not my complete identity.
Keep doing what you are doing and you will have a measure of peace and laughter in your life.
You are a wonderful, absolutely wonderful human being who deserves respect and love.
This is one of the hardest things for most of the abused to learn--that it's all right to stand tall.
Know that you are in my heart as you continue your walk.
Your path is a solitary one, but it's also a parallel one. We walk our individual paths, but it's easy to reach out and take the hand of help from a fellow traveler.
Cap