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multipixie9 · 09:54 AM

we are alone. phil goes to the church staff party tonight, without us, by our choice. he is a superstar in his church. i do not have a place there anymore, because i ran out of performance energy and no one cared enough to come and ask "what happened"? "where did you go and why"?

this is not the first time i've felt outcast. the grimness of my history, the many problems i've had mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually guarantee me labels: needy. unstable. prone to problems and illness. might tell you more than you want to know. someone who makes people feel uncomfortable.

pointing fingers, assigning blame won't ease this ache of loneliness inside of me. bottom line: i just wish i felt welcome somewhere without having to pretend i am ok when i am not ok. i am a leper, some shun me like i am contagious. others act like i am doing this for attention. i admit to desperate longing for community, but i would prefer attention for anything else besides having been broken before i was able to speak. the proverb that says, "as the twig is bent, so grows the tree" is very true. those who abused me twisted my life into something painfully ugly. i just wish God would help me heal my life and get me off the sick list / prayer list.

when we go to holiday parties or events, i look quiet and try to smile pleasantly and be social, while i feel tormented inside by things i could never (would never) say: memories, physical feelings, attacks of anxiety, sadness and fear, whispers from old evil voices, the clamor from my child alts who all want to comment, bicker, choose our food(all dessert, no salad) while at least one is crying and begging to go home,the teen wants to check out the alcohol, several others have severe tension headaches but know we "can't tell anyone and be the party pooper"! so one alt is urging us to abuse our meds "just to get thru it". when we can finally leave, my husband drives home in silence and we get home, change to something more comfortable and turn on the tv, he picks up his latest crossword puzzle, i pick up a book and pretend to read while i do damage control and try to get my system back into status quo. my husband will never know what it cost me to endure this annual event, he will not thank me for trying hard to honor him in front of his co-workers. in 30 minutes or less he will be snoring in his chair and i will be where i always am. i am alone. we are alone.

i realize that i am responsible for my own life and feelings, but i am experiencing a lot of emotional pain from my spouse's refusal to accept that i am a multiple. that refusal has cut off most of our communication and i do not know how to get around it. we do love each other but there is wall between us that i can't break through. i am willing to learn how to live around this issue, i just do not know how to do this yet. holidays were rougher than regular days while i was growing up. that's true of many of us. i actually do better now than before. it would be fun to have a holiday that was just pleasant with no big struggles inside me that no one else sees. i feel kinda like some sort of a bah humbug person and that is not who i really am, i just get so tired of the struggle.

sorry, this went really long. i just needed to say it where i know people understand. thank you. i will be praying for us all during the holiday season.

leslie and her pixies