hello,

my name is clara and i have been looking for a place to find some answers to some questions of a delicate nature.

i have suffered from depression for so long now it is just a part of me. i want to overcome it. i dont want to live the rest of my life this way. i always have all these stupid questions/thoughts that bother me and occupy all my time - so much so that i dont get anything else done, it seems. Life just slips by while i sit here listless.

one problem i thought i might could request help for here:

my husband and i have been together for over 15 years and we love each other dearly. i am very thankful for that. for about the first decade our love life was helped along with alcohol. we drank a fair bit and i could sometimes climax with him. but i have always had issues with sex.

i guess deep down i feel like sex is "bad." growing up my spiritual convictions led me to believe that sexual gratification was "wrong."
but that didnt stop me from being obsessed with it.

now i cannot climax unless i use a vibrator. sometimes that is not enough and it takes a combination of *orn, stimulation from my husband, and most of all thoughts of abuse or submission. i guess i feel that if it is not my fault then i am not a "bad person" for enjoying it. it can take an inordinate amount of time for me to achieve some form of pleasure.

when everything is over i want to cry. i feel so guilty and i have these thoughts of cutting myself: carving my abdomen off or slicing my throat, etc.

what's wrong with me?

winter is a hard time for me and i do not feel well. i seem to have more trouble with impulsive and intrusive thoughts of self-harm and self-degradation.