How come it doesn't feel like I have a choice, then?
I feel compelled. I try to do what I am compelled to do. And when I go against that, I feel so scared and ashamed.
And when I do what I am compelled to do, which usually hurts me (and therefore my loved ones), I feel so scared and guilty and like a great big wussy coward.
I am compelled to prove whether I am sane, to myself and everyone else, and if I'm sane, I am supposed to kill myself. But if people think I am crazy, they'll try to control me in ways that I find too traumatizing.
I don't want to die.
So, where is my choice in all of this?