this isnt really going to help me, is it?
such a short "honeymoon," such a short time of hope. (maybe i'll find someone here that can understand or help me.)
i cast out my line time and time again. time and time again it comes back empty. i need help maybe i dont need it but i desire it. is it wrong to desire? let not your heart want. . . and always it comes back empty

i'm not ending my life
im not starting my life
perhaps i should just leave everyone alone.
i'm all alone. no sounding board.

my husband came in the door and not long after the grimaces and sighs began. "did you do anything today?" my heart begins to ache imagining what he thinks of me. he grabs a beer and he's out the backdoor.
he cant stand to spend three minutes with me. he just got in the door. and now the dance begins - what will tonite be like?
full of remorse, doubt and self-pity i rouse myself from in front of the blackened computer screen (i was just sitting here waiting - for what? for him to walk in the door?) and walk to the kitchen to finish the dishes.
i started the dishes . . .a day ago? the day before that? i sob a little out loud, startling myself. but what does it matter if i cry, what does it matter if i make a sound, any sound at all - theres no one here to know or care.
he's outside checking on the back property - he cant hear me. if he did would he even care? i open my mouth wide, wider than necessary to strangle out the choking sounds threatening to escape. i cry to myself and load the dishwasher.
he comes in and walks right by me - he doesnt see me cry. i dont think he cares, dont know if he knows. he's just glad that his disapproval drew me out of my stupor and into the kitchen. i'm on auto-pilot. i start dinner and he takes his beer to the couch to start his nightly routine of those stupid forensic shows. he sighs more contentedly. i know its because stupid dinner is underway and the dishes are washing and thats all he cares about. sighs of contentment that his wife is off the couch and completing her wifely duties. i dont make a sound now for fear that i would let out a cry again or be unable to explain myself or be met with silence on his part. i dont want to know. i dont know whats wrong with me anyway and i rarely ever cry. dinner is over, this letter is over and bed . . .i guess i should just go.

it was this time last year or perhaps a little earlier when the thoughts came. and the train whistle started to haunt me. only a block away. it would be over so soon. what would my parents do? my husband? i dont want to die. i dont know what to do.
last year i went into the hospital. i slept and slept for about a month there. they put me on meds. i left and things got better and the train did not bother me anymore.
now its winter again. the train wants to call? or do i want it to call me?
i have thoughts i dont know what to do with and im a million miles away. he doesnt care. its not his responsibility. its no one's but mine. im at a loss and its going to be another long night, i fear. please, sleep just come and lend me temporary relief.

i wish there were some answer. im almost afraid to hope. i should just reach out and get it - find it myself. grab the brass ring or whatever they say.
someone help me.
no one can help me.
i have to help myself. but how? what actually helps?
im ashamed of what my life has become.
and no one's coming to save me. and no one knows how to save me.
and i dont know how to save myself. its not fair. it is cruel. and its preventable. always is. its a waste. if i had strength i could lend it to others, be of use. but i am weak, it seems - and life is unnecessary.
unnecessary in life = unnecessary death? necessary death?

cant think about it anymore. thought i'd get drunk and forget about it - now i just dont care enough to try. got to go face the long night. hurry sleep, please come.