firstly, thank you rhapsody for your kind response.

i dont know if maybe i should be discussing all of this in relationships or what - i dont want to encroach on someone else's forum?

if so, just tell me. i wont be all that hurt bc ive posted once in new intro and once in depression - i dont know where to go with all my crap but i'd like to settle some place. i guess that's how its done?
i know it would be less confusing for me.

ive only tried this on-line forum approach two other times in my life and they were both really short lived. one met with some response. and one i was just about totally shut out in the dark which i found confusing and cruel (seeing as how i was pretty much suicidal - although i didnt harp on it all the time - youre not supposed to right, and besides, who really cares?) this is all just a practice in futility. no, i hope maybe thats not true.
this is for me. to help me sort out my feelings. to help me see it on paper. (although feedback is the ultimate goal) but if that cant be achieved atleast i have myself, right? selfish. i guess i want to be a little selfish.
i feel sometimes like not being selfish enough has led to me being as screwed up as i am. you know, the whole "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" well i did not squeak for a long time. "children should be seen and not heard." i carried that lesson too far perhaps? into early adulthood, into and past many red flags.

last night i had a discussion with my husband about the whole intimacy issue. me having to feel bad, etc. i thought i'd just go to bed but i gathered the nerve to bring it up instead. we talked for a minute. looked like it might go okay. i thought about how we dont have any children - how i just cant see having one in my body - how wrong it makes me feel. and how wrong that makes me feel for that making me feel wrong. its so sad to me. i didnt know my life was going to turn out like this. i didnt know i was going to accomplish so little. it made me teary. (was unusually teary yesterday) that set him off. argument. atleast he didnt break anything. just stood over me and rushed me like a big gorilla. idiot. it does scare me some but im not going to take it. it used to break my heart when he'd actually hit me but i'd be damned if i was going to give him the satisfaction of cowering. (not that i was a saint - there were times i hit him, too.) but that's all over now. i never provoke him. now he knows that if he blows up its all on him. i remain calm - i mean i dont always remain Calm - it does make me cry sometimes but i dont provoke him i try to calm him or reason with him. "quit crying" so much disgust in his voice.
he hates me. he's going to leave. he loves me. i love him.
i tell him that i want his support. he tells me that he makes the money and that i should go out and get the support i need with that. i tell him i dont care about the money (we live on $500 take-home pay a week). "dont i give you everything you need - what more do you want!?"
i want you, i think. i want your emotional support. its not a fair trade-off that i should have to go buy emotional support. why cant he see that? it breaks my heart. he's just angry. i know he loves me. there's no doubt i love him but god, he frustrates me.
i totally scratch telling him about the thoughts ive been having lately how i dont even know why im living anymore.

this morning i wake up at 5am as usual to fix his breakfast and lunch and see him off to work. my eyeslids are atleast twice there normal size from my stupid crying jag last night. but things are better. the storm has passed.