i could be way,way off base or just projecting but here's my two cents.
tell me what you think.

first thing i thought is there's a lot more going on here than what you are saying. if you read between the lines . . .what will you find? i am sure you are scared of the answer. probably even unsure of the answer. but if you feel that something is wrong then maybe it means that something is actually wrong. its not about the romantic relationship with someone else its what it says about you. if you choose to never "fall in love" that is good and perfectly acceptable as long as it is your choice. as long as you make a conscious decision that that is what fulfills you, what you need. but it seems to me you have not completed the process and that you arent even sure of the outcome. i think you should find that personally unacceptable if it is of great concern to you. (if this is all just passing fancy - then you know you'll be okay) but if its not . . .

i think you have a fear of vulnerability - and not just by a little bit. i think you cope with this by not dealing with it. how else could you have gotten to be in your 40's and not dealt with it?
i only say these things because i am in my 30's and i have a big time fear of vulnerability and i have not dealt with it. (like i said, forgive me if i'm projecting). but if im not im just telling it like i want someone to tell me because i dont want to live the rest of my life being patted on the back and told, "its okay, its okay," when ive got this sneaking suspicion that its not. when my gut tells me that its not. does any of this sound like you?

i am considering therapy (for the umpteenth time in my life). maybe this time itll take. i dont want to know why im mixed-up but then on the other hand i do. i want to know if it will help me become the person i want to be, get closer to the person i want to be. does any of that sound like you?

i hope you find some answers.
(hell, i hope i find some answers)
forgive me if i was out-of-line. and if you need to tell me i was out-of-line i can accept that. (from YOU, not everyone else on here, okay - i already know some of you are probably going ballistic. my apologies to you as well)
its just that life is too short. i figure we ought to get down to the business of living it. i know i need to. i do believe in the golden rule. i want to see you live fully as much as i want to see it for myself.

sincerely,
clara