I've been giving this post of yours quite a bit of thought. My painting, my writing, etc. all seem to come, as usual, from a very deep sense of pain or the hights of ecstacy. Both of which I'd rather avoid.

The only thing that qualifies as "the biggest and most important work [is] in your life that is tied to your self esteem" is my motherhood; was I a good mother or not, did I unwittingly abuse my kids, what basic life principles did I instill in them. The list goes on and on.

Unfortunately, my failures stand far out above the successes, no doubt, due to my self-esteem. You've seen me brag about my oldest son. Yes, he's $uccessful, but is he successful in his private life? I think I need to give the credit to my DIL for maintaining a good marraige and raising their children in such a gentle, loving way. They don't have much of a spiritual life.

My daughter, who received her Master's in teaching after being married and raising two boys, does have a spiritual life. I'm just wondering if it isn't a twisted addiction in her life. She also inherited her father's paranoid schitzofrenia.

My two youngest sons both made horrible mistakes in their choice of a life partner. The middle son avoids confrontation or any uncomfortable feelings just like his dad; he would rather go miles out of his way than to deal with any unpleasant situation. Life has just recently reached out and slapped him in the face. He certainly isn't following my example of protecting his children at all costs.

My youngest is falling apart at the seams because of his choice in a life partner. I can see my precious granddaughter suffering because of the emotional environment she's been living in. My son's inherited "stubborness" is causing him more problems than it's helping.

On the positive side; they all graduated from high school, two went on to college. The three that I birthed all have my stubborness to a fault. Never did hubby and I have to bail them out of jail or visit them in a trauma unit. None have any chemical addictions although I know they've all "tried" several things. None of them smoke even though they grew up in a smoking evironment.

Are these minor good things enough to over ride the negative? My jury is still out on that one.