Simon,
Jmo=just my opinion and Jme=just my experience
Someone also had to tell me what they meant so don't feel bad about asking...questions give us answers.

I also came to the conclusion that sharing most of what happened would serve no purpose; what was done was in the past. All they knew was that I was abused as a child. Judging from their reaction on this basic sharing showed me that saying anything more would confuse them, and it actually would not help me.
I do understand your decision. Each of us has to make that decision based on our own experiences...

Simon, it's good that you recognize there are stages of recovery; some harder than others. It's part of the process of healing. Recognition does not make it easier in my opinion. Jme, but for sometime it made it more difficult.
I wanted to skim over the rough spots and jump into the better ones. Reality is that I was in and out of both places...there were hours when this would happen...I ended up being glad when it became days!
I always call it the roller coaster ride.

Simon, please do everything you can to let go of the shame and its' affects on you. It only serves to block you from feeling a measure of peace and of self-love.

I do not want to offend you so let me say right now that the following is only my experience, ok?
There came a point in my recovery that I knew I was hanging on to the guilt and shame because
#1 it was what I was most familiar with and it frightened me that there was going to be nothing left of me if I "gave it up."
#2 in a strange way, I was getting a payoff by holding onto it. It kept me as a victim and not as a survivor. Believe me when I share that it took some time before I knew this was true *for me.*

Hindsight allows me to understand that I had no intent to do these things...I was doing my best at the time to not stop cold and refuse to go any further. It's akin to taking a rest stop on the recovery highway. Instead of resting and moving on, I set up a camp and stayed awhile.
All part of my individual needs and fears.

((Simon))
Christmas is going to be different for you this year...it's a disappointment, I know. And I'm very, very sorry about it.
I do hear in your reply a willingness to do the best you can, but there's an element of grief when it happens to us.
Awhile back I had the loneliest holiday season in my life, and that included my time in Nam...yes, that Christmas was actually worse than the two spent in a combat zone.
I started changing my life around Thanksgiving and it obviously continued beyond Christmas and my January birthday.
Perhaps seeking the gift within this different Christmas may help...the gift being that you are allowing yourself to continue your healing.

You remain in my thoughts,
Cap