welcome to pc, clara ! i'm glad you found us and hope we can help. you mentioned you got help before and felt better. are you still taking meds or therapy? depression can make us feel like we're in a deep black hole with no escape. it can blind us to having any hope. when i felt so down i was unable to truly help myself get back out of that hole. it took others skilled in the field to bring me back to some sort of normal feeling. if you aren't getting help right now you might want to try to call a crisis hotline or call whomever helped you in the past. you deserve to feel better and i have hope that you will get help to improve how you feel. meanwhile post whenever you feel the need. there are a lot of kind caring people here to support you.