thank you all for responding
gimmiece, caps, madisgram.

i went into the psych hospital last year bc i was very low. they diagnosed me with major depression if i remember correctly and put me on so, so many meds. i was pretty medicated most of the time. i did not enjoy the "group therapy" sessions (when they actually bothered to have them) this was not a luxury, private facility. it was basically a short-term crisis intervention center. average stay is 7-14 days. i stayed over a month. finally that kicked me out, ha! what i am very grateful to them for is the connection to the psychiatrist, the medication. i feel i really needed the medication. originally it took me 8 months to get in for my initial 1hour visit with the psychiatrist after the hospital. (dr kept canceling on me). where i live there is a real shortage of psychiatrists and the handful of dr's that are here all work through this one hospital. but it has smoothed out a little and i have seen him since then. i think maybe even twice? i'll see him for 15 min every few months or so. next appt at the end of jan.

i did get a therapist that was a true psychologist after the hospital. i have seen therapists before. usually counselors, not that that is bad. im not very good at therapy and i have a hard time feeling validated about the whole ordeal. nothing ever comes of it - i dont know what to say to them. its so hard face-to-face. i get self-conscious and i dont say - like i wouldnt say the things ive written in here. anyway, it didnt work out. it culminated in a conflict. she and i expected different things out of the therapy, i think. she raised her voice with me - more or less yelled at me as if i was a child (i was sitting and speaking,not yelling) she was standing and obviously angry. i asked for a recommendation to another therapist right then and there.

sometimes i have regretted that decision and there are 2 sides to every story. but i cant go back to her. im sure she wouldnt take me,seriously. and i dont need the rejection. im not sure its even a good idea since i was not comfortable with her. and this was after months upon months of weekly therapy.

anyway i was pretty well burned out on the idea of counseling there for a while. that therapy ended beginning of october. but winter is not so good for me (not that im really functional any time). think its time to swallow my pride and pick someone from the list she finally mailed me about 3 weeks ago.