Congratulations Tgr for coming to such a monumental point in your recovery process. Although you still suffer from BP, it must be quite some relief to be able to extend forgiveness to those in your family who have hurt you.

I think the act of being able to forgive is multi-layered. There are times when a friend may hurt us and forgiving them might take some time for us to heal our wounds but then not too difficult to forgive said friend.

Then there is the monumental things in life, traumas, etc to which we have deep-rooted hurts that are much harder to come to the point of offering our forgiveness to the other person. That is the level to which you are talking about.

As for myself and my own traumas, I'm very confused on whether I have forgiven those that have hurt me or whether I even felt they needed forgiveness even though it left me traumatized. I guess I'll vaguely lay my cards on the table in order that maybe somebody here can help me with this.

Trauma #1: As a child, I was a victim of attempted rape. I was too young at the time to even know what was happening to me, other than knowing it was not right and I was extremely frightened. I've never given any thought to whether my predator needed to be forgiven. I don't think I've ever held any hatred, etc towards him. Strange but true. However; the aftermath of that was another trauma within the original trauma, that involving my mother and the entire police investigation. It was not until very recently that I *think* I have forgiven her. I had harboured a lot of anger, resentment and confusion about her actions. I've dealt with it in therapy, to some degree, and I don't have those feelings towards her anymore. I've been able to put myself in her shoes, so to speak, and see the situation from her perspective at the time and to put resolution to understanding what she did and why she did it. BUT, and of course, you knew there would be a but in here. Whenever I would hear a news story or a movie or something on Oprah, etc regarding rape, the flashbacks start and the hurt feelings surface. But not the hurt feelings towards my mother, but more so the feelings I had at the time of the attempted rape. The fear, etc. I relive that incident because I am triggered. So, have I forgiven my assailant when I'm so easily triggered and the feelings of hurt and fear surface again and the incident plays over and over again in my head like a movie?

Actually, I think I'll leave trauma #2 for a later time but it is even more confusing to me than this one.

I guess what I'm saying is have we really forgiven the person who has traumatized us if the feelings we had at the time of the trauma still exist in us and the movie continues to play in our heads? And remember, I don't have any anger towards my predator, I have intense fear and hurt.

So, have I forgiven him?

And to further complicate things, there is the forgiving of myself and the role I played in the attempted rape. I'm not so sure I've been able to forgive me yet, although I've been working on this aspect in therapy and getting closer.