Jenn, I'm sorry life has not been too kind to you of late. Seems most of us have been through a pretty substantial list of med trials and failures. I still don't want to take Seroquel because I think it will only help with the hypomanic end of things and maybe the rapid-cycling. I don't want anything more to steal away my hypomania. Gosh, that's the only time I have the least bit of *happiness* in my life and I don't want it dulled any more than it already is.

What I want is a substantial increase in my ADs. I feel my pdoc is playing Russian Roulette with my life. I've even told her that. I've expressed my concerns also with my t and my GP, all 3 of them are on the same page of thinking my AD dosages are already high enough. They feel that I should be able to control my moods and that I don't work on doing that. I can rechannel by watching a DVD, going for a walk, visiting someone etc, but as soon as I finish with whatever diversion I chose, I'm right back where I started from. The mood is still there, it's still the same intensity, it was just waylayed. I've had sometimes when I'll be out and about doing something during one of my extremely low depressive moods and I can't wait to get home because I'm becoming seriously unglued in public. I've yet to find a way to stop my depression in it's tracks and end it or to control the depths to which it will go, other than to force myself to sleep it off, which my t is not in favour of either. She wants me to find some *positive* means of controling it. I find myself at the door of suicide so many times and I'm scared that one of these times will be the last time.