Quote:
Originally Posted by clara0clear0eyes
im thinking about starting therapy again . . .part of me really doesnt want to. i dont know what to do.
sometimes i feel like i dont need it.
what can someone else help me with, really?
ive been down this road (unsuccessfully) so many times before.
im not very good at saying things face-to-face.
i always feel like im taking up the space of a more worthy client
or that i dont belong in therapy at all.
not even sure what im trying to accomplish.
but this is not much of a life im living. but does it really take therapy to put me back on track? but i never change. i dont get better. do i just not try or do i not know what to do - i can never decide. but i do know that things arent changing for me right now solely through my own might. could have something to do with the fact that i am weak. i have a weak moral, ethical compass. if i didnt i would do more. i just dont like to admit it to myself.
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so here's a slice of my life. tell me if you think it merits therapy:
i rarely leave my house.
its been a few days since ive showered. (lovely, i know - but honest)
im still in the clothes ive been wearing for -how long?- which consists of a gown with a fleece sweater over it.
i havent eaten since 6am. probably overdo it this evening.
i forget to take my meds or i fight taking them, i suppose. i know i need them but my mind resists the idea. i guess i need them, right? maybe its the wrong thing to do - take the medication? i dont know.
i have not been outside today. i cannot remember if i went outside yesterday.
ive been having fleeting thoughts of how hopeless my life is. kinda like a mild panic inside "how can i go on like this"
i feel like there is no way out of this. i know there is a way out - i feel like i will not take it and this will just be my life bc im too afraid to end it. and it would hurt too many people if i were gone and i dont really want to die but this sure isnt living. theres another way out and thats to get better but i have been to lazy to put in the work.
i cant even begin to face things that twist me up inside usually (although i have voiced a few of them on here). how would i ever present them to a therapist?
ive been this way sadly for the most part for years. i go months like this. its not a life.
guess i answered my own question.
those of you who can please support me in this. i could really use a sounding board as i only have my husband and he cant (and shouldnt ahve to) bear it all.
thanks,
clara
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((clara))
I don't have much wisdom or advice to give you, but I will say that I am a complete therapy rookie right now and havent had anymore than 10 sessions, but I did have those exact same thoughts as you and still do. I hate talking face to face, I feel like my story is boring and not worth going to therapy for and that I am not deserving of any help because I know there are other who should be sitting in my spot every wednesday evening instead of me. Then I think, well maybe I don't need to go,maybe I am okay??? Maybe I can do this on my own. I dont need anyones help...that's my motto I have had for YEARS: "I don't need your help. I can do it myself!" "I have control of this" etc etc. But I have been trying and trying and even believed that I had it under control, but everything I have been trying doesn't seem to work...granted my "tryings" are really just poor coping skills that I always seem to think will fix everything and but in the end I know if i continue with them I will keep falling into the abyss I am desperately trying to get out of.
I came to PC and everyone made me see that my problems are my problems...dont feel like you don't deserve help just like the next person, ok? A persons pain, struggles and experiences are all relative. Mine are different from yours and yours are different from susie sunshines(tho with a name like that, she's probably a happy camper
). Don't go into T thinking that someone else deserves to be in your spot. If you aren't happy with the direction your life is going and you can't seem to get out of....whatever it is you are in (however you would describe it) I describe my as a lifelesstraveled(hence my name) then make the appointment and go.