I just wanted to say,
it isnt because of him that you kept going. He gave you hope, but you can find hope elsewhere too. I'm sorry that he's gone.

But you still can. Yes its scary. Keep trying, and I think you can find a way. people who can't talk and use signlanguage seem to make it in the world. I know you have extra physical things to worry about esp financially, but I think it's possible