((((((((((((((Molly)))))))))))))) I wish you could see the light in you that we all can. The ability and the desire and hope. When do you see the counsellor that you had to fill out the paperwork for? As hard as it is, when you feel this low you have to ask yourself, "am I doing all I can for myself?" and "is what I am doing good for me?". Try making a list of all the positive things in your life; when we feel this low it's hard to remember that there are positives. The list which ones of those positives can help you stop the falling. Are you still going to--what was it, a table-tennis social group? If not, why? That is something that will help you stop the fall. What about the classes and the little kids? The more you are involved the better you will feel and you can stop yourself and say, "is how I'm reacting to my feelings good for me? is it good for the people around me?" Most important is you, but when you take care of you, the littles will notice. You are a role model to them--you have no idea which ones will remember you years from now, but count on it that at least 1 one and that means you are important.

Last night I was sitting on the couch, my normal "i hate life, my life sucks, i'm alone and a loser" time of night and add to it that it was my birthday and the only phone calls I got were from my mom and dad and sister. Normally I'll get a call from a friend who lives in Seattle, WA, I've known him for 18 years--no call from even him. I was sitting there thinking what a loser I am...no one to go out with, no friends, blah blah blah poor me. Crying. I had to go tuck Tori in (thank God she's 16 and still likes to be tucked in) but before I went I took a deep breath and thought, "sitting here crying is not doing me anygood. Friends aren't going to pop out of the woodwork because I'm lonely, a wonderfully nice guy isn't going to knock on the door because I'm sad, my tears and boo-hoo me isn't helping the girls in any way. Stop it." It took some more deep breaths and some gentler self-talk, but it worked. For me. I get sick of feeling like this, but I'm also not doing anything to change it. I'm not actively seeking companionship of any kind--relationship or friendship. The money issues that have me down I cannot change right now. The overwhelming sadness is a thought that I suck--and I don't. I guess what I'm trying to say sweety, is if you want to stop the fall, don't just reach your hands to the wall...dig your nails in, make a ledge to grab onto. I know you know how important you are here, but I also know the importance of having real life friends and help. You are so young, you're whole life is ahead of you, you have options and opportunities. Reach for them, and if simply reaching isn't enough, step towards them, run at them if you have to. Don't stop going the places you already go because you feel sad...go to them and let the joy of others infuse you. The more you isolate yourself because you feel bad, the worse you will feel and it will be a viscious circle.