Thanks again for all your positive, helpful comments.

Today has been a good day for me, I woke up feeling pretty positive and after a few minutes I was feeling even better...I have felt good all day today actually which is such a bonus. I was working this morning until lunchtime, and I was ok at work, felt fine, then after work I felt really positive and enthusiastic...even towards Christmas. My family were out all day today and so I spent the time buying new Christmas decorations etc and did the house up really nice for when they returned. Many surprised faces that came home!! hehe...

In reply to your comments,

imapatient - I wouldn't have been offended if you said I was mature, I think it's a good thing, and I certainly wouldn't have seen it as a back-handed compliment. I understand completely about your fears over women when you were a little younger, that is exactly what I am going through now. The main character trait I have noticed with myself is that I flirt with women, and I find it really easy to attract women (people often comment on it too) and I genuinely fancy them, but as soon it becomes more than flirting, if it becomes anything that could lead to sex etc then I freak out and back off, which gives off really mixed messages to the woman in question. I do feel I am fairly confident with women, and flirting etc, but only if it is from a distant. I guess when it becomes more I see it as invading my private space, something that the abuser has only ever done, so I immediately assosciate the situation with the woman to the same as when I was abused, and all the negative emotions...and that is too much for me to handle so I freak out. Can I ask, imapatient, are you in a relationship now and if so, how do you cope with it, how did you get past the fear etc?

Slippers - Thank you so much for that link, I clicked it and I spent some time going through the site, and I stumbled upon the "Myths and Facts" section, most of them related to me and I found it so encouraging to read the answers on that site. That lifted me ALOT, thank you for that!! I'd recommend anyone to visit that site if they are going through the same/similar.

Capp - I completely agree, sometimes I feel I am holding onto this as a way of feeling victimised...I want to move past this, and I feel I am making some really positive steps towards doing so. I was in an awful state when I first made this thread, and I had got to the point where I was feeling rubbish ALL day, today has been the first day for 2 or 3 weeks where I have felt good all day. I noticed at some points today how I was thinking of the things that trigger me, (as I said in a previous post about beating myself up un-necessarily - bringing myself down) but I was easily able to detach myself from that and get back to positive thoughts etc. Your experiences really help me know that there is hope and faith, and cause to continue fighting. It gives me so much strength, thank you, Capp, it is helping me so much.

Sannah - Thank you, I am glad I met you too, you have helped me so much, and once I am able to clear the mist from my view I hope to help you and others here too who seek what I cam back here for - help and support. Can I just say to you Sannah and anyone else reading this, I am always up for talking and my PM is always open and I will always welcome anyone who messages me. One thing about myself and my opinions of others is that I am very trusting. I always have been. I tend to look for the good in people when everyone else looks for the bad...I trust a bit too easily really...I learnt to forgive the abuser and in turn it has taught me how to forgive people that do less damaging things to me. Does that make sense?

notz - It must be really hard for you to visit the grave of your father knowing who is burried next to him. My mum died when I was 14 and I visit the grave fairly regularly, so I try to understand how I would feel to see the abuser's grave immediately next to my Mum's. Do you visit it often? Thank you for your post, notz. Knowing there are people here who understand and care enables me to carry on fighting it...it was the best decision I have made lately by coming back to PC.

Simon