im thinking about starting therapy again . . .part of me really doesnt want to. i dont know what to do.

sometimes i feel like i dont need it.
what can someone else help me with, really?
ive been down this road (unsuccessfully) so many times before.
im not very good at saying things face-to-face.
i always feel like im taking up the space of a more worthy client
or that i dont belong in therapy at all.
not even sure what im trying to accomplish.
but this is not much of a life im living. but does it really take therapy to put me back on track? but i never change. i dont get better. do i just not try or do i not know what to do - i can never decide. but i do know that things arent changing for me right now solely through my own might. could have something to do with the fact that i am weak. i have a weak moral, ethical compass. if i didnt i would do more. i just dont like to admit it to myself.

*******
so here's a slice of my life. tell me if you think it merits therapy:
i rarely leave my house.
its been a few days since ive showered. (lovely, i know - but honest)
im still in the clothes ive been wearing for -how long?- which consists of a gown with a fleece sweater over it.
i havent eaten since 6am. probably overdo it this evening.
i forget to take my meds or i fight taking them, i suppose. i know i need them but my mind resists the idea. i guess i need them, right? maybe its the wrong thing to do - take the medication? i dont know.
i have not been outside today. i cannot remember if i went outside yesterday.
ive been having fleeting thoughts of how hopeless my life is. kinda like a mild panic inside "how can i go on like this"
i feel like there is no way out of this. i know there is a way out - i feel like i will not take it and this will just be my life bc im too afraid to end it. and it would hurt too many people if i were gone and i dont really want to die but this sure isnt living. theres another way out and thats to get better but i have been to lazy to put in the work.
i cant even begin to face things that twist me up inside usually (although i have voiced a few of them on here). how would i ever present them to a therapist?
ive been this way sadly for the most part for years. i go months like this. its not a life.

guess i answered my own question.

those of you who can please support me in this. i could really use a sounding board as i only have my husband and he cant (and shouldnt ahve to) bear it all.

thanks,
clara