i get scared that if i let someone in and tell them what i feel and think and tell them about my life (the things i typically do, the pile of trash in my closet that i'm too lazy to take to the road, the dishes scattered about etc etc) that they will feel disgusted and repulsed by me. or perhaps indifferent to me. i feel quite disgusting and despicable much of the time... i can see things i could to that might perhaps alter the feeling. take out the trash. move dishes to dishwasher etc. but... i don't tend to do them very often. maybe because they are an outward expression of something going on inside... i'm not sure. i feel immoral much of the time. sometimes i see what the thing to do is (by my lights) but i don't do it. sometimes i'm too scared. other times i just kind of go numb and it doesn't get done. not sure if this is similar to what you are going through or not?

sometimes i feel quite depressed and hopeless. i can see some things that would help, but i can't bring myself to do them. sometimes i think... it is partly a function of not feeling adequately cared for by others. so... i never really learned how to adequately care for myself. i don't feel worthy of care. not others care, not my care. and i'll reference all those above things for why i'm not worthy... but... if a therapist cares about you (and you let them in a little and they care about you) then sometimes... it can help one start to care for oneself and feel worthy. so then you do the things you know will help... and they do help... and the spiral starts to spiral upwards and one feels better rather than the usual state of things spiraling down will little prospects for improvement.

it matters whether they care. it matters a great deal. anyone who tells you that it doesn't matter is seeking therapy for very different reasons. there are a whole bunch of reasons why people seek therapy. there are a whole bunch of theories about what therapy is supposed to be and about how therapy is supposed to help. i'm a big believer in their caring being helpful. they don't tend to go on about that, however, because that is next to impossible to measure and it makes it sound like however many years of training is pointless / not worth much.

it is hard to let someone in... it is hard to find a therapist who is on the same page with respect to what will be helpful for you. it is hard to find a therapist who you click with (someone who likes you and who will genuinely come to care!). but... it is possible. for everyone, i think. even me...