aww... i don't think i'm conveying things very well...

i think she is trying. but i do get the distinct impression that this is new to her (how many assessments has she given vs how many assessments have i sat through?) i've been in the health system much longer than she has...

but... i think she is trying. and that is quite commendable. and she seems like a nice person (not judgmental - or not tooo judgmental etc) so personally i think we get on fine. insofar as i can figure her emotional leakage (every has that) i'm getting the impression that she has a sense of humor and that she gets mildly annoyed / pissed but it is understandable really and fairly benign. she just... doesn't know what to say much of the time. which is okay, i guess, i've had therapists with much more experience not know what to say. and i do think that she has her little handbook somewhere of what sorts of things she needs to assess for and that her supervisor is checking to make sure that she gets through them (it wouldn't do for her to have a list in front of her) and it isn't something that comes naturally to her yet.

for instance... i'm used to as soon as i say the words 'borderline personality disorder' therapists - no matter whether they are half asleep or staring off in space or doing compassionate and empathetic face - raise their eyebrows a little and now they have about four questions that take priority on the question agenda:
- self harm
- crisis management
- manipulativeness (setting boundaries for phone calls and out of session contact and the like)
- making clear about when t is going to be unavailable (holidays)
she didn't do that. how refreshing. she must have made a note but i could tell from what she said next time that her note said `BPD' because her comment revealed that she needed me to clarify whether i'd said `borderline personality disorder' or `bi-polar'. lol. that is hilarious. no stigma from her :-) i bet her supervisor gave her a bit of a talking to... and i bet they figured it out from my emails / phone calls :-/

it is ok. i'm probably a reasonable first case load... no crisis anymore and (so long as i click which i think i am) fairly tolerant of such things as therapist going AWOL for months etc etc etc. the supportive thing is basically what i need from her right now (only going to be around for another 6 months and she knows that).

i'm not playing with her or anything like that... it is just kinda amusing to me because i guess i know more about the mechanics of the process than the average client so i can see more of what is going on with the mechanics of the process. is is one of the things she needs to learn, though. i'd be happy if i come out of the relationship feeling like i've been heard and understood and that she genuinely likes me despite my rants... and if she comes out of this process thinking that therapy can be just as useful as medication and that being a good therapist is a worthwhile thing to do that is as much of an art and science as being a good medicator...